“I have been crying a lot lately,” I say.
Your eyes are suddenly on me.
I turn to look at you and see the answer you want.
It's there in your eyes.
The way they look at me as if you want my world to revolve around you.
“Because you left.” I give you the answer you want.
They light up.
They light up even though I have just told you I have been crying a lot of late.
“Well, now I am back,” you say, and then give me a kiss.
I smile and turn away from your eyes.
I wish I had the courage to tell you why I have really been crying.
No, screw that. I wish you had the courage to hear the honest answer.
Truth is, I don’t care that you left. I don’t even care about you, never have.
And do you want to know the real reason why I have been crying?
Do you really? Of course you don’t.
So, I smile, lay back, and let you hold me. Let you think that my world revolves around you when most of the time I can’t even remember your name.
Why else do you think I call you Babe?
Because I love you?
“Can I ask you a question?”
You are drawing circles on my bare skin as you ask.
I can feel your breathing close to my ear. It’s fast, nervous.
I already know what the question is. I also know the answer you want to hear.
I take my time. Your breathing pace increases.
I like this. I like making you wait. I like making you nervous.
Is there really any way you can live without me?
“Yeah, ask away.” I finally decide to rid you of your misery.
You draw more circles on my skin and then finally, not looking at my eyes, you say;
“Can we get back together?”
Sometimes, it’s not even as exciting. Guessing what you are going to say, what you are feeling, what you want. Like come on, surprise me.
“Is that what you want?” I ask even though I know exactly what your answer is going to be; word by word.
No. Yes. I don’t know. I just miss you. That is what you are going to say.
“No. Yes.I don’t know. I just miss you Sally,” you say.
See, just not exciting.
But, I must give you the answer you want. I must, otherwise, you are going to walk out of here with sad eyes, a slouch back, and a dejected heart.
And I cannot handle that. I can handle you being happy. I can handle you thinking my world revolves around you. I can handle you feeling lucky to have me.
What I cannot handle is you being sad. What I cannot handle is you feeling like a loser just because you completely lost me. But, truth is babe, you have never had me, to begin with.
“I have missed you too,” I give you the answer you want to hear.
You stop drawing circles on my skin. Your eyes find mine. I don't know what you see in them but whatever it is, yours light up for the second time today, and your lips are suddenly on mine; consuming me like your life depends on it.
And I let you.
When later you bury yourself deep inside me and fuck my brains out, and tell me over and over and over again how you love me, I let out my sexiest moans yet; another answer you want to hear at this moment.
The truth is, I love your dick. I really do. But, right now, I cannot wait for you to finish and go back to your place so that I can finally have a good cry.
I miss it. Crying. It’s the only thing I have ever missed.
It’s way past time. I remind you to go, otherwise, the curfew might find you here.
“Can I spend the night?” you ask.
For the first time today, I gather up the courage to tell you the truth. There’s no way I am spending the night with you.
Nights are my time to cry.
“You could, but I have a lot of work I have to finish up. Maybe tomorrow?”
You're disappointed, but not so much.
After all, in your mind, I have been crying since you left, I had missed you these past few days, and you just fucked me good; so not spending the night must not hurt that much.
“Okay, cool, I’ll text you when I get to my place.”
“I love you,”
You walk out the door and I lock it behind you.
I had missed this.
God, how I had missed being alone.
I sigh, when I feel them coming.
I sigh then I smile and for the first time today, it's a genuine smile.
How is it possible to miss tears this much?
I let them flow down my cheeks and then, a laugh erupts from within me. A deep boisterous happy laugh.
Fuck, I had missed this feeling.
Would you want to know why I cry?
Can I finally give you an honest answer?
Not the answer you want but the truth?