I have always regretted leaving you.
But, I have also always thought that that feeling will pass; just like sad did, and happy did.
I should have known.
I should have known regret is a bitch. It never stops biting.
The other day, around three in the afternoon, I sent Brayo to mama Anyango.
She hasn’t changed if you are wondering. She’s still the same, just like me, just like Brayo, never like you.
Perhaps that is why I left. You always change, and I could not keep transforming into a butterfly, then to a caterpillar, then a butterfly again.
I could not.
I wish I could though. I wish I could change with you. God knows how I loved being your butterfly. But God also knows how I hated being your caterpillar. Aagh, such confusion you bring me.
Anyway, I was telling you how I sent Brayo to mama Anyango. He spent too much time there that I had to go check for him.
I found him playing with Anyango. What was it? Ball? I don’t know. But I got so frustrated with him. He reminded me of you; how you get so easily distracted. I now know, beyond doubt, that he is yours.
Do you ever think of us?
Does it even matter if you do?
If it does, if you do, then you would be glad to know I changed Brayo’s last name to yours. Brian Rubiri. Has a nice ring to it, right? Brian Rubiri, the first of the Rubiri’s, but not the only one.
You have a daughter now, and that daughter has a mother; a mother you live with. A happy little family.
I know that from Mama Anyango. I don’t know where she heard it from. I just know when she told me, I almost screamed out in pain. Thankfully, I contained myself and brushed it off like it was nothing, and then later, in my room, the tears could not stop flowing.
Brayo was out playing; again, with Anyango, and when he came back, he found my eyes red, and his food ready on the table.
We ate in silence that day.
Honestly, I just wish for the regret to be over already.
Then, then I will know I can move on. But for now, I guess I will have to be content with being neither a butterfly nor a caterpillar.
For now, I will be content with just being Brian Rubiri’s mother, and one of the people who will never get to hear your voice again.