I have given up drinking.
I really have. And this time, unlike in whiskey woes, I mean it. I absolutely mean it.
Alcohol and I have officially broken up.
And it doesn’t matter that as I write this I am waaay drunk out of my mind. It does not matter at all. Because, you know what? After this, I am really quitting.
Anyway, enough about me and my alcohol woes. That’s not what I wanted to write about today.
What I wanted to write about was Daniel.
Daniel. Such a magnificent name, right?
But when you call him Dan, or Danny, suddenly, it loses its magnificence. It loses its magic.
Maybe that’s why he does not like to be called Dan or Danny much.
And now you are probably wondering how I know Dan. Oops. Daniel I mean.
I know him because he’s my friend. My oldest friend. And no, we have never fucked. For all those perverts out there who think so. We have never. Though we did come close once. Just once, and we were drunk.
But, his dick couldn’t get up , and my pussy couldn’t get wet. So hence we decided. Friends we will be, and very good friends we became.
Until Caroline. Another magnificent name for an even more magnificent creature.
Caroline was my friend long before she was Daniel’ s.
That’s how they met. On a warm Friday evening, in my bedsitter of a home. Danel was high, I was drunk, just like we always were.
Then Enter Caroline.
“Aki babe, sasa, “ she announced her presence as soon as she opened my door.
Thank God me and Daniel are just strictly friends. Otherwise I often wonder what she would say if she found me and him; you know; doing it.
Caroline, as it turned out, was stranded in Juja, her phone battery was off, and the only house she remembered was unfortunately; or fortunately, mine.
Daniel and I listened to her narration with such a fascination; but it probably might have been the drugs in our system. After she was done, she asked to use the toilet, and before I could say yes, she was inside.
I looked over at Daniel, trying to determine if he was annoyed( Daniel is often annoyed by everything and everyone) by the situation as I was. And instead found something I never thought I would see in his eyes.
Pure infatuation. Written, scrolled, planted, drawn, painted in his brown eyes..
I mean, I bet he was as hard as a rock then.
“Naona ni kukufa kukufa. “ I said with a sneaky smile.
Maybe Caroline was not as much of an inconvenience as I initially thought.
“We manze iza,” was his answer.
The answer of a man in love, if you ask me.
But you have not asked, so, I won’t say that.
Long story short, that was the beginning of Caroline and Daniel. Or Daniel and Caroline.
A tale of two magnificent lovers.
Theirs was a love only imagined by many. A love only televised.
It was fascinating to watch; a man as quiet and moody as Daniel; off with the chatty bubbly Caroline.
I was their audience, their advisor, their third wheel; and the truth is, I didn’t mind being either. For me, just to be a witness of their love story was enough, until it wasn’t.
It happened a day before Valentine’s. February 13th. I was sitting in my house, of course, drunk as fuck; when Caroline hurriedly opened my door.
I would be annoyed, except, I looked at her tear-stained face; and suddenly I wasn’t.
“Hey, babe,” I said, rising from my bed ever so slowly.
She rushed forward, falling into my arms, draining my shirt with her tears, and my house with the sound of her sobbing.
She calmed down after a few minutes, and then as calmly as she could, told me the events that had transpired.
It was one day to Valentines, she reminded me. I knew that, but I let her talk. So, Daniel was supposed to book a reservation in a hotel; a Night Out. See, I told you their love is one only imagined.
Who books hotels at our age? For a date? What the fuck.
But I did not say that. I let her continue.
Daniel’s parents had not sent him money, and his hustle was not at a good position yet he still wanted that hotel reservation. That is Daniel for you. Always getting what Daniel wants.
This time though it was impossible, so Caroline kindly suggested to pay for it.
“That was when hell broke loose.” she said, and started sobbing again.
I quickly downed one shot of the whiskey I was drinking, offered her one; but she refused because Caroline does not drink; then continued with her story; all the while sobbing.
“Alinislap babe. Aki imagine Daniel alinislap after nimeoffer kulipia hoteli. Uneza imagine?”
I could definitely imagine that. Daniel is moody as hell; and passionate as fuck. A passionate person is easily misguided, especially when it comes to handling his emotions. This time it was anger, he lashed out. Other times it was love, and he dotted on her.
So yeah, I could imagine. But I did not tell Caroline that. What kind of person would I be to side with the perpetrator and not the victim? That’s why she came here in the first place right? To get me on her side.
So, I told her how I could not imagine; and then let her continue talking on.
“The shock nilipata. Khai. So naturally nikamwuliza why he slapped me.”
And this is why he did. Daniel sees himself as a man. I am not saying he isn't’t. I mean, he has a dick and all; so yeah he is a man.
But according to Daniel, a man is supposed to care for his woman. And by care, he believes his woman should not even lift a finger, or strain a muscle in order to get money. If it’s money she wants, he will give her. Her work is only to sit pretty and smile, and entertain his moody self.
I mean, is anyone else starting to feel like Daniel doesn’t belong in this century? Does he even exist, you might wonder. Yes, in fact, he does. Daniel does exist. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing about him.
Unless you want to accuse me of making up people in my head; which I am not. I mean , that would be crazy; and I am not crazy.
Anyway, the point is, that is Daniel’s definition of what a Man is. And for the first few months he met Caroline, he was able to keep up this charade of thinking. His hustle, which was a Writer at a Youth Magazine, was working out well; and he was still in his parents good graces so he was always loaded.
But now, the dominos were starting to fall apart, one by one. The magazine was not making any money , so they had cut his pay in more than half. His parents were talking about buying land in Shags, so that meant less money for Golden son Daniel’ and now, he was unable to book a hotel reservation for his woman.
That night, I comforted Caroline as I listened to her woes; all the while; downing my whiskey; contemplating my own.
At one time, I thought for sure that was the end of the Caroline and Daniel until I really really listened to how Caroline was talking about him.
She was not a woman wounded, she was a woman passionately hurt. A wound would have been better, because then she would talk about him with coldness in her voice.
A passionate hurt made her talk about Daniel like the thing she still loves the most in the world, but which made a mistake to hurt her.
For sure, the next morning, as early as possible; found Daniel on my door, and Caroline in his arms. I just shook my head. What could you do? And it’s not like Daniel was really a violent man. He was just passionate; and passion I could understand.
Then a second case came in, two months later.
This time it was Daniel standing on my door, face distraught , body shaken up.
“I didn’t mean to do it. I swear, sikuwa nadai kumwumiza.” he was frantically saying over and over and over again.
Let me tell you something. I have never seen Daniel as shaken up as I did that night.
Calm and moody sure. But distraught, shaken, fearful; never.
I let him in, and asked what he was talking about even though I had an inkling .
Caroline had a secret boyfriend, he said. Another man that she gives her love to. A man whose texts he found in her phone.
“Anacheat, fuck Caroline anacheat.”
Shocked is what I was. I mean bubbly cheerful loving Caroline? Caroline who would die for Daniel Caroline? No way, she could never. Daniel was just insecure.
But then again, I could not say that, so naturally I asked what he did when he found out.
“Phone yake ilikuwa kwa table akioga. So mimi kufungua, nikaona hizo messages. Nikajam, Nikaingia kwa bafu kum confront. Alafu imagine aka deny everything . Hiyo ndo ilikasirisha sna. Anadeny as if sikuona hizo texts .”
That’s when he hurt her. Or why. Her infuriating denial.
“I swear sikumean kumwumiza hivyo. Nilimskuma tu kiasi, kiasi tu. Kidogo kidogo naona ashaslip kwa bafu, na ameumia kichwa. I swear, sikumean kumwumiza. Sahii ako kwa nyumba anableed kichwa na sijui cha kufanya. “
“Shit, “ was the only word I managed out.
Could Caroline be dead? Worse, could Daniel have killed her?
Turns out the answer to both questions were NO. After rushing to their house and further rushing Caroline to the nearest Clinic, she was diagnosed as fine.
Only a small concussion. The cut was not that dangerous, just a mild one. Nevertheless , it was a wound; and this time I was convinced for sure Caroline would leave.
She didn’t. Weeks later, she ironed out the misunderstanding.
“Unajua vile Daniel hukuwa. Si wewe ni friend yake. Huyo boy hadi ni yeye alikuwa ananikatia but Daniel akadhani pia mimi namdai. Nilimexplania akaelewa. Sahii tuko poa”
To be honest, by this time, I could not tell whether Daniel was someone I could call a friend. I mean, did I mistake his violence for passion? Had I led an innocent lamb to her slaughter?
The guilt was killing me; so I tried to talk Caroline out of it. Out of the whole relationship, out of even my life.
“Babe, I think Daniel ako na issues. Na before asort issues zake, I think inafaa mwachane kidogo. “ I said.
Needless to say, my advice fell in deaf ears. What more was I to do? Drink more whiskey and watch their love fold and unfold? Sure, I did exactly that.
And watch I did. The fights were many, the love was plenty and the tears staining my shirts more than enough.
But it was Love; they both claimed. No matter how love comes, you take it. Theirs came in the fight form, and they owned it; until they couldn’t anymore.
After a year, Caroline finally came to her senses and decided she had enough bruises on her face, enough scars in her heart, enough wounds to on her body.
So she called it quits; via text, when she was at my place.
I even helped her construct the text. It went something like this
Daniel, nakupenda. Unajua nakupenda kushinda anyone. Lakini, babe, hii relationship yetu si fiti. Babe, umekuwa ukiniumiza, and every time unasema vile unaenda kuchange lakini huchange. Babe, wasee wengi sana wamesema nitoke kwa hii relationship lakini me nimekuwa nikidai vile nakupenda. Lakini not any more babe. I love you, but until upate the help you need, I don’t think nezarudi kwako. Bye.
It does not take a genius to guess Daniel was in my house in less than an hour; angrily demanding an explanation of why he was being left ; even though the explanation was clearly in the text.
“Unadai kuniacha uendee hao maboy wengine, eeeh?” he was shouting, not caring to hear any of us.
“ Alafu sahii sasa unaskiza Sandra. Si Sandra ndo amekushow uandike hiyo text . Unadhani siwajui wewe na yeye vile huwa mnaniview. EEEEH? Mimi si mgonjwa akili !!”
The shouts continued, and now that my name had been mentioned, I was in on them too. Thank God I had a bottle of whiskey nearby. I quickly downed one shot. There was no way I was staying sober for this.
“Huyu ndo msee unaskiza babe. Sandra. Mlevi. Over mimi?? Come on !”
Ooops, maybe taking the shot was not a good idea?
Did I care? Of course not. I downed another shot, and another and another and another till I was sure I was drunk enough for that shit.
By the time I was done, the fight had worsened. Daniel was throwing my glasses to the wall, yelling how Caroline did not love him, and in fact , had never loved him.
Caroline was frantically begging him to stop or he might hurt us; or it that what he wanted?
Daniel countered that he did not indeed want to hurt her, but he was really really tempted to; and his eyes showed just how much he was tempted.
This was when I decided to enter into the scene.
To intervene. A whiskey bottle in hand, a plan in my mind.
I was supposed to calm Daniel; I knew that.
Yet, when I looked into his eyes, I knew there was no calming the beast. So, I did the next natural thing.
I silenced him, hitting him on the head with the whiskey bottle in my hand.
“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.” Caroline was panicking as Daniel fell to the ground, groaning in pain.
Me, I was just glad he had finally stopped yelling.
Until he started again;
“You bitch. Unadai kuniua sasa? Eeeh? Hivyo ndo mmemplan”? He was saying as he rose from the floor, trying to reach something to hold onto.
Again, it was pure instincts that made me hit him again. And Again.
And when the bottle cracked and broke, it was instincts again that made me reach for another bottle in my cabinet and strike again.
And again until he could not groan or yell again.
“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck,. Umedo? Umedo? Umedo?” said Caroline as she went into a frenzy.
The minute she locked eyes with me,I knew for sure she was going to rat me out.
So, again, naturally, the bottle went to her head, and down she fell next to Daniel.
“Fuck Sandra, acha,” she said, trying to reach the bottle.
No way she was going to take it away from me, and I cannot stress this enough ; naturally; I hit her to make her stop.
And again to make her stop screaming.
And another to stop her from groaning out.
And then another to finally stop her from breathing.
As I am writing this, she lies next to Daniel. All not breathing. I did them a favour though. I joined their hands together.
Their tale of magnificent lovers continues in death.
Now, my only problem is how I am going to get all this blood out of my white carpet.
And how, finally, I am going to stop drinking. Because this time, I really mean it.
Alcohol and I have officially broken up.