A STRUGGLING POETIC LIFE

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An Attempt at Poetry June 3, 2021

An honest review of the past few months.

That’s what you asked for,

After insisting on the honest part.

Maybe you know me too well,

 Or maybe you don’t know me at all.

 

I paused for a second,

And I tried to think of what I should tell you.

Should I tell you about the hell that it has been?

Or the heaven that I have been living?

 

To start off, I have loved like I have never loved before.

And I have been tested like I have never been tested before.

And I know what you will expect,

You expect I will tell you the testing has something to do with love.

After all, I have always been a sucker for that shit.

 

But, you will be surprised when I tell you love actually has nothing to do with it.

That the kind of testing I talk about is actually a test of life.

A more challenging kind of test.

A test that has questions more than answers,

And on some days,

A test that makes me question my own resilience.

And if eventually, I will be who I dream to be.

 

You will be confused.

You will want to know what exactly I am talking about.

It is only fair, you will say.

You have been filling up with your own honest review just a few moments ago.

 

I will wonder if I can really be honest with you.

If I can tell you about the days I questioned my own decisions,

About the anxieties constantly attacking my sleep,

And about the feeling of doom that will not just quit.

About feeling like I know nothing,

I will amount to nothing,

I will be nothing.

 

I will wonder if I should tell you about my future.

Of how I have always pictured a nice job, a nice life.

And now, now am not sure if I want a nice job.

Or a nice life.

 

Maybe what I want is to be knee-deep in shit,

Struggling to make ends meet,

Sweating overnight to write stories and poems,

And some days, sweating overnight over my inability to write anymore.

 

Maybe I have imagined that life to be poetic,

More fun.

More thrilling.

But who on their right mind will choose it,

When they could have nice things?

 

I am starting to think maybe I am not in my right mind.

Because, if we were being honest,

I prefer that life

The poetic life.

The struggling life.

The exciting life.

Maybe I will even dare choose it.

And then hope for a happily ever after.

 

But of course, I will not tell you all this,

You, with the nice boyfriend, a nice internship, nice friends.

You who is planning to go abroad next year, again.

Just to further your studies, again.

You who is every parents’ favorite.

How could you ever understand me and my need for a struggling poetic life?

 

So instead I will tell you the test was a love test,

And then, I will tell you all the ridiculous and funny things about my love life,

You will laugh.

You always say I have some funny stories.

Maybe you know me too well,

Or maybe you don’t know me at all.

 

Later, when Safaricom gets tired of us,

You will say Goodnight.

You will call back tomorrow, you will say.

I will say “not if I call you first.”

And we will both laugh,

Knowing the next time we will talk will be in another couple of months.

When you ask me about another honest review.

And of course, I will still lie to you then.

 

 

 

 

 

by Amanda Nechesa 28

Comments

  • 34

    Jan. 10, 2021, 7:47 a.m.

    When you've hit rock bottom the only option remaining is to go up

    Reply

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